Personal Essay: If You Are Feeling Indecisive, Look To One Man

First things first: this is more of a true-blue blog post than a personal essay, but I can't be arsed to make a new tag just for this one piece. So we're calling this an essay, okay? It's just very casual. *wink*

Alright, so the weather has been really shitty here in Texas lately. I feel like I live in England or something. Usually this time of year (July) we are complaining about the dry heat, but right now I feel like I'm in a swamp. The lake is giving Chocolate Milk. Not in a yummy way. 

So I've been getting bored! And then I've been finding myself in Situations. One recent situation was a progressive series of rabbit holes that became a little tunnel of fun and intrigue. I beckon you now at the entrance of my little tunnel, in a very normal and safe-for-work way. Drumroll please!!

Okay, so the tunnel begins with this book I purchased about this Venetian courtesan called Veronica Franco who lived in sixteenth century Venice. You heard me right folks, that means she was alive in the FIFTEEN HUNDREDS!!! One Five Zero Zeroes. And she was SLAYING!! She was going to balls and galas and such, and she was pulling up in a GONDOLA with a handsome GONDOLIER if the media portrayals are to be believed, and it's just so unbelievably beautiful. So of course I watched the movie adaptation of this historical biography, which is called Dangerous Beauty. Gaze now upon this costume design:

 

 

 

Wow, applause. Yes. The only thing is that they expect us to swoon over this male love interest, who is played by Rufus Sewell, who has--shall we say--a confusing and minimally present sex appeal. His chemistry with the female lead, Catherine McCormack, is also minimal and decidedly forgettable. But frankly, it doesn't really matter because the movie is so eye-poppingly beautiful. I mean, wow. And I love the poetry duel. Veronica Franco was, in real life, in love with Marco Venier, by the way, and actually had a back-and-forth poetry battle with his real life brother Maffio Venier. That is true and real, and their beef is forever recorded in verse. I don't think this line from the movie is actually a real one that they exchanged (I could tell you if I could find my book), but I love it nonetheless:

 

"I confess, I fuck divinely

those who love and well opine me."

 

Hell yeah. That is so badass. Also this might not be very safe-for-work, sorry. 

 

But the reason I think I describe this movie as eye-poppingly beautiful is that the male lead, Rufus Sewell, has kind of wonky eyes, and the entire movie I was kind of just noticing this. It wasn't as noticeable in Dark City, the other movie we are about to talk about, but it's definitely noticeable in this movie. There are a lot of very close shots of his face, and I feel bad for saying this because truly, most people are not perfectly symmetrical, myself included, but this guy's eyes are undeniably kind of wonky. He's still pretty handsome and charismatic and I halfway buy him as a main love interest, but I don't feel so bad anymore for picking up on the wonky eye thing because it turns out that part of his sex appeal in the late 90s--when this career was at its peak--was that there was actually a rumor that he had a glass eye. A glass eye, I tell you! Rumors!

 

So after watching this movie from 1998 and reading part of the book it's based on (the book, by the way, is called The Honest Courtesan by Margaret Rosenthal, and one thing about this book is that it's completely elusive. I can never find this goddamn book. Just now I went looking for it to get some quotes to reference here, but lo and behold--I cannot find this book once again) but it's okay because then, after that, I watched the most wonderful Bollywood movie called Umrao Jaan.

 

Me and Umrao Jaan actually go way back. It features the most beautiful woman in the world, Aishwarya Rai, and if you think I'm wrong about that you can argue with the wall. I wanted to watch this movie so badly because I watched Devdas, also starring Aishwarya Rai, when I was about fourteen years old, and let me tell you that it changed my life. That movie is the reason I grew my hair long, so I could have it sweeping around me like a curtain like Aishwarya did, on her hips--OH MY GOD--hold on, I just have to show you this:

 

 

Yeah, you get it now. If you get it you get it, and if you don't then you can argue with the wall. I also started wearing my little cat eye that I wear all the time because of this movie -- if you know me in real life then that will make sense. If you don't know me in real life, hello my name is Kyra and I'm here to slay.

 

So I loved Devdas, and I wanted to watch Umrao Jaan real bad. At the time (2022 or so?) there was not a single streaming service that it was available on -- not even ErosNow, the Bollywood streaming service, which guests in my home always thought was a porn streaming app when it would pop up on my Apple TV. I realized this one day, and I asked my present guest if it seemed like ErosNow was a porn app, and he breathed a sigh of relief when I informed him that it was simply a South Asian streaming service which for some reason has a vaguely erotic name. He told me later that he had fully thought it was a porn app. After that I started informing guests that it was not a porn app almost too pre-emptively, such that they wondered why I was so keen to inform them. Eventually I deleted the app and canceled my subscription altogether.

 

Next I sailed the seven seas, if you know what I mean. But as is often the case with these things, VLC Player was being a little finnicky, and the seas of subtitle files were somewhat choppy. Meaning I had the subtitle file, but found myself unable to get it to line up correctly with the movie. I do not speak one word of Urdu, so I eventually just gave up on trying to watch Umrao Jaan altogether.

 

Well, my patience was rewarded when I did finally get to watch it. I happened to check and see if it was on Amazon Prime yesterday, and there it was--English subtitles and all. I was gobsmacked by this movie! It is simply resplendent, oh my gosh. It turns out this was considered a commercial and critical flop-a-rama, but I do not care what the critics or commercial interests have to say because the on-screen chemistry between the costars Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek is insane. It makes sense that this movie was filmed in the Sheesh Mahal, because sheesh. Well, I told my Indian neighbor about this movie, and he informed me that the costars are married in real life. So the chemistry checks out, I guess.

 

 

Those are some yearning wedlock eyes. Also, a word to the wise: Ketamine and Bollywood are made for each other. They are best friends.

 

 

I said what I said, and did I stutter? No.

 

So anyway, after watching these movies and then writing this poem, I found myself wanting to watch something cyberpunk-y. Maybe I got sick of the romance, who knows. I had been all romance-y and sappy for so long watching those last two movies, and now I'm feeling like an edgelord. The moon is currently shining down on me from outside my window, and when the grey wispy clouds part, it's shining so brightly at me that there's almost some kind of eerie urgency to it, like it's trying to tell me something. I think the moon has been swinging close to earth lately and it's filling me with some weird energy. I wish there was a 24-hour bookstore in my area. In my dreams there are several moons in the sky, shining in their multitudes. Maybe that's why I want to watch something cyberpunk-y. But anyway, I did what I always do in these situations, and I went  to the "Great Movies" tab on Roger Ebert's website, selected the genre I was in the mood for, and simply picked a movie that looked good from the list. This list has never done me wrong.

 

So I pick a movie from the science-fiction list, and it's also from 1998. It's called Dark City, and wouldn't you know it, it also stars this guy Rufus Sewell and his wonky eyelids! I could hardly believe my own wonky eyes. Talk about a Baader Meinhof phenomenon. So I look this guy up, because I had never heard of Rufus Sewell before in my life and here he is twice. Well, it turns out this guy has been in FORTY FOUR MOVIES, and there are a lot of bangers lurking in his filmography.

 

This one, Dark City, is also a bang-a-langer, by the way. It's like a cyberpunk crime noir film, and while I was watching it I was like, wait--do I have a crush on this Rufus guy? 

 

He is kind of my type, and he reminds me of the guy from Ella Enchanted whose name was I think Hugh Dancy, but I could be wrong about that. I will look it up later and add a footnote.¹

 

(As an aside, this guy Rufus Sewell was also in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, which reminds me that now would be a good time to insert a link to this Youtube Short for indexing reasons. It is simply so funny.)

 

Okay, but these gifs are of Rufus Paul. Here is what Rufus Sewell looks like:

 

 

 

He's kind of cute, right? Well, get used to his face, because I smell a trifecta brewing! That's right!

 

Sometimes I like to triangulate my interests. I think about triangulation in different contexts somewhat often. I think it's cool that we still use three-point navigation for GPS on our smart phones, very similarly to the same way that Odysseus would have navigated the Argonaut. With three star-distance calculations you can always find your place in the universe, no matter where you are. It's a pretty bulletproof foundation for pleasure and learning, also.

 

So, I am highly pleased when I am able to construct a trifecta--a triangulated bundle, if you will--of movies that are similarly thematic, and especially so when they also share a principal actor. So, this is a collection of collections, a "meta-collection" perhaps, of similar such movies. If you find yourself with a rainy afternoon to spare, with nothing at all to do, simply look to Rufus Sewell's extensive filmography, or look here at my list:

 

Rufus Sewell In the Past or Future 

This trifecta starts us off in sixteenth century Venice, transports us to a futuristic dystopia, and then drops us safely back into the loving arms of some good old-fashioned medieval camp, a la "Princess Bride" or "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". All three movies are certified bangers.

• Dangerous Beauty (1998) 
•  
• Dark City (1998)
•  
• A Knight's Tale (2001)
•  
  
  

 

Leonardo DiCaprio Being A Rich Badass 

What more do you want? These movies are so much fucking fun. 

• Catch Me If You Can (2002)
•  
• The Great Gatsby (2013)
•  
• The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
•  
  
  

Dorky Disney Character Going on an Otherworldly Adventure

"Atlantis: The Lost Empire" is my favorite Disney movie of all time, and I evangelize it every chance I get. If you watch no other movie from these lists, watch this one. But all three of these are fantastic movies, and together they epitomize the golden age of Disney animation.

• Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)
•  
• Treasure Planet (2002)
•  
• The Road to El Dorado (2003)
•  
  
  

Please leave me a comment if you have any further trifectommendations.

So, if you would like to know what I decided regarding my potential crush on Rufus Sewell, I have decided that I do not have a crush on Rufus Sewell. That is my final verdict. The convincing piece of evidence for me was that I imagined him as a young child saying, "Oi, I'm Rufus!" in a little British accent, and I was simply turned off. It may seem harsh, but all's fair in love and war. However, he does retain his title of "Guy Whose Filmography is Extensive Enough To Turn To In Moments of Indecision."

 

Okay, that's it from me for now! I've had three essays in the works--all about 75% finished--for several months now, and I'm finally pulling out all the stops and getting them finished. So you should have some lovely reading material from me soon :)

 

Until then, take care!

 

 

Footnotes

 

1. His name is indeed Hugh Dancy, and I think he is substantially dreamier than Rufus Sewell, but I'll let you be the judge: